just another vet

Thoughts On Military Service

I have wrestled with how to view my service since the first day of boot camp. I have to admit, I didn't join out of some sense of patriotism. I didn't join because I felt I should give something back to my country or because I come from a long line of people who have served. I joined because I was desperate, because I needed an out from a life I was sure was going down the toilet quickly.

But in the end I'm glad I did. I learned a great deal about life in the military, though I didn't realize any of that while I was in. And most of the guys I served with were in the same boat. Young men from the ghettos, country boys wanting to get off the farm; these are the people I met. Sure, there were some hard-core folks, but not many. They usually go infantry, where the glory is.

No, I joined like so many others because I had nothing else. No college, no experience to get a good paying job. Just young men who needed something to kick start their lives, or at least pay some bills. It was not glamorous, and it wasn't fun. It was a job, three square meals and a roof over my head.

It wasn't until years later that I started to really understand the transformation that occurred in my life during my service. Like when I found I was able to keep a job when most of my friends back home couldn't. Or how I had the dedication needed to get through a very tough education.

And I can honestly say that a big part of that is because I never saw combat. I knew of the ugly side of the military; many of the guys I was in with had seen combat in Desert Storm. But I think that because I didn't have to actually experience that I was able to get out with relatively few scares.

I do miss parts of the military. Like the brotherhood, the respect I got from some folks back home, and the chance to see the other side of the world. But I do not regret for one second never having to kill anyone. Because that is one thing I never want to do. Sure, I would if I had to, but I will never see it as glamorous or honorable even if it is necessitated.

But there is the side of me that sees war as the biggest waste of resources ever concocted by humans. And the money we waste on the military would go a long way towards fixing much that is wrong with this country. Not to mention that I am finding it harder and harder every day to buy into nationalism, patriotism and the rest of our control mechanisms; no, in the end as much as the military changed me it also opened my eyes to the bullshit spewed out of our history books about the glory of war.

There is nothing glamorous about killing people. There is nothing profound about reducing cities to rubble. Too much of our past has been erased forever by war; too many ancient ruins destroyed, too many cultures deleted from existence because some got power hungry and convinced the masses it would be a good idea to go slaughter each other.

I feel conflicted because on the one hand I would have died with my brothers in arms if needed, but find the whole exercise disturbing. I can look back now and see how we were fed war from the beginning. "Blood makes the grass grow drill sergeant, bright red blood." And I can see how so many of those now serving were swept up in the aftermath of 9/11. But I can also see how they and the terrorists they went off to fight were all led like sheep to the slaughter. How a few powerful people, using the right words, twisting the truth, turned people into blood thirsty savages, convincing folks on both sides to kill each other for some "glorious" cause like patriotism or religion.

And in the end I find myself defending my brothers and sisters in the military while decrying the horrors of war. I never liked the hero wannabe's when I was in. Even then they freaked me out with their talk of killing the enemy as if it was porn for their souls. I did what I had to, and got out. Looking back I see the ugly moments in myself, when violence seemed so sweet.

There are still a lot of folks there who joined like me. But there is also a lot who joined because they were rallied around the flag, told their freedom was at stake and that it was their patriotic duty to defend this country. What is sad about it is that it has all been for the few at the expense of the many. But then most wars are. And sometimes I think they are fools, but most of the time I just want them to come home safely, to stop participating in this dark stain on humanity that is war, and wake up and see they are being used.

And this goes for both sides. Whether its patriotism or fundamentalism, its still bullshit. We are all brothers and sisters on this planet, we are all alone in an infinite universe, and we are all in this together. Fighting for made up causes, killing each other so some can get richer, gain more power, is wasteful and foolish.

We act like spoiled children, claiming this land is mine, my god is better than yours. What good comes from all this in the end? Just another story in the history books, another tale of lives lost, dreams shattered, power and money transferred. And down the road it's all forgotten when the next war comes about, a new cause, a new day. Only each time the stakes grow, the weapons worse, the damage greater.

And as long as we are fed the glories of war, as long as the young keep being told by the old how necessary and honorable it is, we will continue to piss away our limited resources and our lives for fleeting victories. Because we never learn until it is too late.

So, yes I am conflicted. I have a flag outside and an Army sticker on my car. I also have a peace sign hanging from the rear view mirror and an aching in my heart. I guess I defend my brothers and sisters because I was there once, because I know how it feels to be a soldier. The best I can do for them and for humanity in general is keep trying to get people to see the errors of their ways, to understand that we allow ourselves to be pawns in a game that never ends in real victory but instead breeds more of the same.